I will say that the next time I encountered love, it was some years later. Between then and then there was a string of failed, weird attempts to excerpt an upperhand as I now knew I had a certain thing that boys wanted. Spending three years distracting people from purple spots and crying fits teaches you a couple of things. Discovering sex appeal and how to manipulate that is another teacher. Of course this was all in the service of trying to find a "healthy" approximation to what I had. I have no shame admitting that I was cruel, I was manipulative, and the harder you were to get, the meaner you were, the I wanted it and the harder I cried. I was a victim and victor in the most adolescent of games.